On my third morning I went up to the roof with Marlies and it was still winter so the restaurant was closed and we had jackets on even though the sun was shining and we sat on chairs and looked out at the river and in the distance I could see cruise ships and barges and Marlies was smoking and she told me that once they had filled in Petra’s details wrong while she was in Seoul and I had to be careful and I was trying to remember everything she was saying. The beach even had wifi, she said. But remember to make sure all the information is correct on your forms or you could be stuck there. And I was so nervous, so afraid, my hands tucked into my jacket as I looked into the river. All the information collected in my head, in pockets and pieces and I wondered if I could ever make that journey and they all said I could, but they were not me. And I was so tired from all that planning in my head, all that preparation and constant guard. When I returned, I refused to go anywhere, stayed home and even later when I could leave, I was still exhausted and even now, I still am, so tired to even think beyond the day.
