A History of Moments

I turn my head to the window
listen to the birds,

the sky is blue
more blue than that day at the beach
when I wore yellow
smiling in pictures
like I was the sun

I am 6, sitting on the carpet
I am praying to God,
asking him to help me,

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am sitting in the car my head against the window
the green landscape turning brown
I have my earphones in,
my father is singing, the road is winding
I put my head on my sister’s lap as we take the turn

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am in the garden
I am always in the garden,
I am collecting snails in a glass jar,
making mud cakes on red slabs of tiles
with pink bougainvillea on top,

my mother is at the kitchen window and she is calling me,

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am ten, I am walking back home wearing a scratchy green jersey
there’s a dog on the road and I’m afraid it will give chase
I break out into a sweat,

the sun is in my eyes

I fall asleep
I wake up,

turn my head to the window

I am 15 at a new high school
I wear white pants, get picked on
we stand for hours in the assembly because we don’t know how to behave
we sit on the tarmac,
laugh

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am standing at my mother’s bed and she is having an asthma attack
and I don’t know what to do,

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I look to the window

I am 21 and I am walking up the university stairs
I am going to teach my first tut class.

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am on a train to Mumbai, sleeping on the top bunk
the cold air from the vent is hitting me

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am on a plane to New York
and there’s the Atlantic ocean before me
my hands are shaking
I know it will be okay, but I don’t really know,
not right then,

and then it starts to snow on the street and then I know it will

I fall asleep
I wake up,

I am 5, walking down the rickety stairs of our new house and I am calling out for my mother, until I see a candle in the distance and I make my way toward her.